Single in the City

Singles Parties.. A little bit of optimism goes a long way

Singles parties have become a lot more mainstream but there's no question about it, they can be scary especially if you've never gone to one before and don't know what to expect.  I've been going to bars for years and I can honestly tell you that the crowd is not much different at a bar than at a singles party.  The difference between them is that at a bar you don't know who is single, people may not be as serious about meeting someone or they're just looking for a one night stand.  At a singles party on the other hand, there are people just like you and me that ARE singles and most likely looking for something a little more serious.  Single parties can be just as much fun if not event more fun than going to just an ordinary bar for the reason that you get to meet a lot more people.

Now, if you're going to get all dolled up and ready to go to a singles party to meet people then I suggest you see it through.  It's really not a big deal folks.  I get people coming to the door, humming and hawing about whether they should come in or not.  If the party starts at 9pm and you arrive at 9:05pm don't expect it to be packed.  Imagine if everyone came in and did that there would never be a party.  If you're planning to go to a singles party then I suggest you go to the party and second guess yourself as obviously there was a reason you wanted to go in the first place.  And...sorry to break it to you but if you've hit a certain age (I think you know who you are) you really don't have a lot of other options on a Friday or Saturday night.  You need to find a bar that caters to an older crowd which is very hard to come by and believe me (aka the social butterfly of the century), the quality of the crowd in those bars is no better and your chances of meeting someone are much slimmer.  Trust me, I know as I've been to all of them and more that just once.

This blog was inspired by a party Single in the City had just before Christmas.  Three ladies walked in to the party at 8:55pm (doors barley open) looked in, noticed that there were only a few people there waited until 9:15pm and decided it wasn't busy enough so they left. People started filtering in, more men than women.  Three more women came to the door and at this point there were a decent number of people there and they also decided not to stay for whatever reason.  Sometimes women complain that there are more women than men at a singles party; we give them a room full of guys and they still don't want to stay what do we do?  Instead, they probably found a local bar with 20 something's and 50 something men trying to pick up the 20 something's if you know what I'm saying.

The moral of the story is......try something new and don't go somewhere expecting the worst, always think positive and expect the best and it will eventually find you; that's how the universe works.  The love of you life could be in that room but you'd never know it because you left.

A Single Man's Guide to Dating and.....Rejection?

Guest Author - Patrick P - Single, 30-something, Marketing Rep and a long-time friend of Single in the City.

 A Single Man's Guide to Dating and....Rejection?

QTP4U was her handle. 5’7”, brown hair and eyes, a little thick in the thighs but by no means overweight (judging by her photos at least). Her profession read “I have one” and she claimed to have a bachelor’s degree in the Education category. She appeared to be a decent girl by most guys’ standards and by no means out of my league. In fact, my ego whispered in my ear that I was probably out of hers. I wrote something quick and witty, playfully teasing her about her wasted support for the Leafs, showing that: 1) I paid attention to what she wrote in her profile and 2) I was secure enough to have fun with the process without having to confess my undying love, talking about how many babies we could have, blah blah. Click ‘send message’. This particular lonely hearts website allows users to see the recipients’ response to the message, so I checked in every so often to do that. After forty-five minutes: Unread. Hour and a half: Unread. After leaving the house to go watch the dreadful Leaf game I returned to check again to be greeted with the message status: Read DELETED. What!? Am I reading that right? She read my message, looked over my profile and didn’t like what she saw- or at least, that’s how I interpreted it. That uppity bitch! J The insecure wussbag in me immediately kicked into high gear. “Do you look too bloated in that photo?” wussbag asked. “Maybe your cheeseball attempt at humour fell flat”, he continued. Either way I sliced it, one thing was certain- I got rejected, with a capital ‘R’.

I found it fitting to deal with this subject in my first blog because like death and taxes, rejection is one of those things that are inevitable in some facet of life. Through Singleinthecity, you’ll meet literally hundreds of potential suitors at any given mixer, and at least a couple dozen at each of the speed dates. Many will welcome your advances with open arms, but for at least a few… not so much. There’s no doubt about it, any way you slice it- rejection flat out sucks. When comparing notes from each and every one of the scores of dating gurus in print and on the net, one piece of advice is the foundation for all: HOW YOU COPE WITH REJECTION AND FAILURE IS THE MOST CRITICAL FACTOR TO YOUR SUCCESS IN DATING AND RELATIONSHIPS.  It is often said that fear of public speaking is a bigger fear than death. I call bullshit. By far the biggest fear for the vast majority, especially singles, is fear of failure. It has a cousin - fear of rejection. The inability to cope will cause approach anxiety and prevent you from taking the initiative to meet that special someone. This fear is more paralyzing to men because, even though things have changed somewhat, men are still expected to be the pursuer in relationships.

One important fact that has to be remembered is that regardless of how good looking, wealthy, or charismatic you are, there are some that just won’t be interested in you. Often times, it is a reflection of their own insecurities. If a man or woman is shy about their looks or personality, they may be intimidated by yours if you are above average in both categories. They may also be carrying negative baggage from bad experiences. Women are used to being constantly approached, flirted with, hit on. Even women you might consider ‘average’ are approached by men on a pretty regular basis. Despite what you have to offer, you may get lumped in with every other schmuck that has tried and failed to get into their pants. Of course it’s true that the one you’re pursuing may not be interested in your ‘type’. Some women prefer clean cut men that wear suits, others the bad boy rocker type. Some men may like curvier women, others the stick-thin supermodel type.

The worst case scenario is that you may need to acquire a new set of skills. Style and grooming is a skill, effective approaching is a skill, conversation is a skill, entertaining is a skill, and yes even getting physical is a skill. If you feel challenged with a certain skill get an objective member of the opposite sex or someone that is skilled with members of the opposite to sex to audit your set of skills and then be blunt with you. You’ll find that people who are truly successful in dating or any aspect of life will be generous with their time for somebody that is open to receiving help. No matter what happens, just enjoy the experience, learn from it and… MOVE ON.

As for QTP4U, she doesn’t know what she’s missing. Perhaps SUNSHINE79 will find I have exactly what she’s looking for. 

 

He's just not that into you....or maybe he is into you

"He's just not that into you".  After the book came out and then the movie, so many women have this perception that if a guy isn't knocking down your door, calling or texting you everyday, that he's not into you.  Women everywhere are reciting those words to their girlfriends and to themselves. in general, the girls aren't chasing the boys like they used to be. I see it with our speed dating events; most of the time the girls wait for the single guys to contact them.  

Not sure I believe in the "He's not that into you" theory exactly. Sometimes a guy needs a little persuasion girls...he doesn't always know what he wants. Every single guy is different and every situation is different.  Not every guy will be confident enough at the time or 100% ready to get into a serious relationship with someone. You don't know what they've been through in their past or are currently going through.  He could like you but not be ready for numerous reasons and not every guy falls in love with a girl right away.  Some need a little time and with a little perseverance, you may get your prince. By no means should you wait around for a guy that isn't treating you right though.  Only you know you someone makes you feel and if you're not on the same page and you can't handle it, then I would suggest getting out of dodge.  Don't waste time on someone that doesn't make you feel good.  It's more time wasted on the wrong person when you should be finding the right person. On the other hand, if you're dating other people in the meanwhile and don't mind playing it out to see where things lead then I say hang in there never know what can happen.  Girls grow on guys sometimes especially when the sex is good. 

I talked to many single guys about the "He's just not that into you" topic.  Some said they would chase the girl if they we were really interested in her and others were shy and said they would rather the girl they were interested in show interest in them.  Some that were serious about meeting someone said that if they were to show a girl too much interest she would get scared off; they feel the need to play it cool. My theory is "who cares", if you like a guy don't be afraid to show him that you're interested in him. If he reciprocates great, if he doesn't at all then move on.  Once he reciprocates though let him do a little chasing but do show an interest in him. Don't bombard him with texts and calls and act busy even if you're not.

So...if you like a guy show him your interested in him and then let him come to you...never be overly aggressive. If you see that he may be a little shy then make the first move and don't be scared some guys really like this.  Try different things, every single guy is not the same and one thing may work for you more than another.

Posted by Laura Bilotta of www.singleinthecity.ca and "Streeters" host of Dating 201 on Rogers. 

The Benefits of Speed dating for Men

Speed dating is one of the greatest ways to meet single women and for a lot of guys, speed dating is still a hidden gem.  There are so many benefits to speed dating especially if you’re a man and I’m going to tell you why.

Here are the reasons:

*At a speed dating event you have an advantage as you meet people face to face and we all know that physical appearance and chemistry play important roles in the initial stages of dating.  First impressions mean everything.

I interviewed guys about online dating and what they thought about it and they told me that they were disappointed as a lot of the women posted false pictures or said they were somebody that they weren’t.

*If you hang out in the bars hoping to meet someone it could be difficult.  Not all the women in the bar are single and a lot of them are young, not ready to settle down and just out for a good time.

*You get to meet up to 25 single women serious about meeting someone.  They are all there to meet you and your guaranteed at least 3-4 minutes of your time with them.

*There’s no embarrassment;  If you like them and they don’t like you, they’ll never know.

*It’s a great way to brush up on your interpersonal skills especially if you’re new to the dating scene

*There’s no pressure and speed dating is a lot of fun!

*Some men assume that the women who attend speed dating events are ugly, losers or have issues. But believe it or not,  most of the women who use these services are actually very confident and attractive. They're people like you and me who just can’t find the time or resources to go out and meet other people.  The women are hot and once guys start coming to events they’re hooked!

*If you're looking to meet and eventually settle down in a long-lasting relationship, speed dating will put you on the right track……

My advice to all the single men out there is to stop being frightened of the unknown and get out and try a speed dating event you’ll love it.

Posted by Laura Bilotta of Single in the City www.singleinthecity.ca 

Online Dating Pictures Disaster

OK so if you're going to take the time to open a profile on a dating site, it's in your best interest to post a few good pictures of yourself. Here's a checklist for you to follow:

- Make sure pictures are recent (within the last 2 years)

- Make sure your online pictures are of you and not scenery of where you've been; people    don't care about scenery shots when they're looking for hot guys or hot girls ( which is left up to one's personal discretion of course).

- Make sure your online pics are close-ups so they can see what you really look like.

- Make sure your online pics are clear and don't wear glasses we can't see your eyes so what's the point?

- Don't be half naked in your online pics if your not ready to receive sexual comments or looking for just a sexual relationship.

- Don't post online pics of you and your ex or someone of the opposite sex (find someone that can edit your pics for you).

- Don't post a picture of a good looking celebrity because that's dumb and the people you want to contact you, WON'T.

Please take my advice if you want quality online dating leads.

Posted by Laura Bilotta of www.singleinthecity.ca and "Streeters" host of Dating 201 on Rogers. 

Post by Laura Bilotta of Single in the City  www.singleinthecity.ca

What if my date just wants to be friends?

There could be many reasons why someone is not interested in dating you further or continuing a relationship with you.  Whatever the reason, you have to be honest with yourself. Are you ok with just being friends with them or are you hoping that by being their friend they will change their mind about you?  Remember, there is someone out there for everybody. If you know you want more from him than just to be friends, don't set yourself up for disappointment; just move on, trust me. Don't waste time hanging around someone that in not into you, life is too short and there are many more fish in the sea.  The more time you waste hoping that someone falls in love with you, the further away you are from finding your true love.

Posted by Laura Bilotta of www.singleinthecity.ca and "Streeters" Host of Dating 201 on Rogers.

Is it ok to text, email or call a guy after a first date?

In my opinion, it's ok to text, email or call a guy after a first date to say thank you especially if he paid for the date.  keep it brief and let him know you had a good time.  Guys like to feel appreciated; just don't be pushy and wait for him to call you the next time.

Posted by Laura Bilotta of www.singleinthecity.ca and Streeters Host of Dating 201 on Rogers.

Are there more gentlemen these days or selfish, clueless and hopeless romantics?

It's a Saturday night and I was invited by my friend Violet to the hockey game at the ACC.  We had platinum seats given to us by her ex husband who’s a scalper here in Toronto.  Once we got to the game, she introduced me to another scalper friend Gino.   He told me I was beautiful as he eyed me up and down uncomfortably like I was naked or something. He then turned around and traded our gold seats for Platinum seats a friendly, gentleman like gesture. Would he have traded the seats if he knew he could sell them?  Probably not but he could have also given them to someone else. During the 1^st period break on our way to the Platinum Lounge for a drink we walked by the Philadelphia locker room when out came a Philadelphia player.  It was a moment of pure pleasure and excitement for me but it didn’t help that I forgot to think before I spoke.  I blurted out  “ What can I get you, anything ?” And he replies, “A blow job”. Whaaaaat? I’m thinking, now that was pure class but I guess I walked into that one.     As I'm waiting for Violet outside of the bathroom, I notice a cute guy looking at me so I play along with him to see where it takes me. I give him the hand signal to wait a minute.  When I came back from the bathroom, 2^nd period had started and he was gone.  I came back down for  the next break and there he was so I went up to say hi.  I gave him my number and he text me later that night saying that the ball was in my court if we wanted to meet up again.  In my court?  Why would the ball be in my court where the heck are your balls? This led me to believe that he may have some insecurity issues and that’s a big no no especially  for someone who owns a dating company (www.singleinthecity.ca) After the game was over Violet and I were walking out deciding where to go when this really cute guy named Chris approached me and said “I think love you”.  I said, “you love me”? What do you love about me? He says “I don’t know but come meet up with me for a drink”.  We decided to meet up with Chris and his friend at the Loose Moose.  Call me crazy but I call it spontaneity.   The UFC was on and the bar was busy. Chris say’s “Let’s go get a drink”, but he didn't  move from where he was standing.  I had to approach the bar and ask him if he wanted a drink and he says to me, “you order yours and I’ll get mine afterwards”.  Whaaaaaat? Is this guy for real? He approaches me, invites me for a drink and then makes me buy my own. How does he not know that he looks like a complete and unclassy fool? Any smart girl with dignity would run for the hills.  I wanted to give him some professional advice but I just couldn’t be bothered.    We later went by another bar where we met up with  some guys we knew. They kept offering us drinks which was very kind but not mandatory of course. One of them named Jim was pointing at some woman who he had sex with a little while ago and was explaining how  she saw him at a bar and lost it on him for being a man whore. LOL……he is a man whore loves to play around to see how many women he can get to lust after him and he’s 43, that’s the sad part.  If we can expect this from men at 43, what do you think the poor 25 year old girls are getting these days.    

Post by Laura Bilotta of Single in the City  www.singleinthecity.ca and Streeters Host of Dating 201 on Rogers.