Single in the City

LAURA wants to know your opinion....

Well I can honestly say when it comes to dating I'm not perfect and may want your opinion from time to time.  Let's see if you can help me out on this one, here we go....

If someone you've been dating for a while goes away for about 5-7 days should they be expected to contact you somehow? Do you expect them to contact you? I want to know your thoughts please post your comments!

To Pay or Not to Pay- That is the Question

Guest Author - Patrick P - Single, 30-something, Marketing Rep and a long-time friend of Single in the City.

While recently out to dinner with a platonic girlfriend of mine (yes, it’s possible for men to have these which shocks even me sometimes), we began musing over some of our recent dating experiences. She immediately led with the latest adventure concerning an enterprising young fellow who, when the bill arrived, uttered the opportunity-for-sex-killing line: "Now you owe $4 for the pan bread, $8 for the shiraz…" That elicited a hardy laugh from me but also sparked a prolonged debate regarding the responsibility to pay on a date and who it belongs to. The heart of the debate is leaving young women disheartened and young men confused and in a lot of cases, broke. Who can blame them in this age of ultra-feminism and metrosexuality? The roles for men and women ain’t what they used to be. It’s a debate that you will all be faced with frequently because your involvement with Single in the City will most likely have you dating a lot. Fast forward to the conclusion of the debate where my position was: Paying on dates will not get men laid. Her position: Failure to pay on dates will not get men laid. And you know what? We were both right. To find out how we got there we need a brief glimpse into the dating scene of yesteryear with some consideration given to history, sociology and yes, even biology.

If you posed this issue to our mothers and grandmothers, it will be a given that a man should always pay. Most men know that the expectation to pay looms over every date and in most cultures, especially European ones, you may as well hand over your genitalia if you let a woman shell out coin. However, this isn’t Europe and this isn’t the generation of our mothers and grandmothers. You really can’t compare the dating scenes then and now because… there wasn’t a dating scene until recent decades. There was no such thing as recreationally dating beyond high school. With few exceptions, singles courted and did so with the end goal being marriage by the time their early 20’s rolled around. Men only had to pay for one or at most a couple of women. If women had jobs, they were waitresses and secretaries or grossly underpaid while holding the same job title as men predominantly held. Paying for dinners, trips and expensive gifts were investments that men expected to see a return on- and you know the kind of return I’m talking about. For a visual example of these good ol’ days, treat yourself to an episode of the hit TV show, Mad Men. Fast forward to our modern age- I understand that we still have a ways to go when it comes to pay equity in this country but we’ve come a helluva long way. By and large, there isn’t any level of education or income a woman can’t attain anymore. With almost 50% of modern marriages ending in divorce, the resulting ‘second wave’ of dating that follows comes on the heels of women often receiving the lion’s share of whatever settlement there is. Is it any wonder then that men are crying foul when face-to-face with women who are on the surface liberated, progressive, ‘Miss Independent’ but decide to get all traditional when the bill arrives?

Although I’m a guy and my bias is obviously shining through, I’d like to state for the record that I’m not against a man paying on dates. In fact, I feel we should pay more often than our female counterparts. This is because, biologically, women are hard wired to be attracted to men who are strong, capable, and know how to provide. If you’re stupid rich and you earn 10 times more in one second than what the restaurant bill is worth, pay to your heart’s content. I don’t imagine that Donald Trump looks over to wife Millania after a night at a Manhattan haute couture restaurant and says: "This one’s on you". But gifts and dinners are a privilege and a reward that comes once a relationship is established. Dating is a feeling out (and feeling ‘up’) process where you determine if the other is worth spending your precious time and money on. By blowing your wad- ahem, cash wad- too early, men send out the signal that they’re like every other schmuck out there that have to buy attraction because they have little else to offer. By accepting and expecting payment with no attempt at a contribution, women give off the signal that they’re needy and dependent, having to rely on a man to take care of them. Both types may attract a mate of some form, but often not the quality type they’re looking for.

To avoid the conflict to begin with, learn the art of the ‘mini-date’- dates that require little or no money. These ‘mini-dates’, besides being more economical, provide more opportunity for fun and interaction and are less sterile than your typical dinner-and-a-movie. Starbuck’s, ice skating, zoos, nature walks, billiards, bowling, are just a few examples. A woman’s desire for a man to take charge, show some creativity and give her some custom tailored attention far outweighs her desire to have him pick up the tab. If you’re going to do dinner-and-a-movie, I don’t see anything wrong with the woman occasionally picking up the lesser of the two which is most likely the movie.

As we look behind to Valentine’s Day, and you’re not yet with that ‘special’ someone, give the ‘mini-date’ a shot. I can assure you that your black book and your pocket book will both be much heavier.

A Single Man's Guide to Dating and.....Rejection?

Guest Author - Patrick P - Single, 30-something, Marketing Rep and a long-time friend of Single in the City.

 A Single Man's Guide to Dating and....Rejection?

QTP4U was her handle. 5’7”, brown hair and eyes, a little thick in the thighs but by no means overweight (judging by her photos at least). Her profession read “I have one” and she claimed to have a bachelor’s degree in the Education category. She appeared to be a decent girl by most guys’ standards and by no means out of my league. In fact, my ego whispered in my ear that I was probably out of hers. I wrote something quick and witty, playfully teasing her about her wasted support for the Leafs, showing that: 1) I paid attention to what she wrote in her profile and 2) I was secure enough to have fun with the process without having to confess my undying love, talking about how many babies we could have, blah blah. Click ‘send message’. This particular lonely hearts website allows users to see the recipients’ response to the message, so I checked in every so often to do that. After forty-five minutes: Unread. Hour and a half: Unread. After leaving the house to go watch the dreadful Leaf game I returned to check again to be greeted with the message status: Read DELETED. What!? Am I reading that right? She read my message, looked over my profile and didn’t like what she saw- or at least, that’s how I interpreted it. That uppity bitch! J The insecure wussbag in me immediately kicked into high gear. “Do you look too bloated in that photo?” wussbag asked. “Maybe your cheeseball attempt at humour fell flat”, he continued. Either way I sliced it, one thing was certain- I got rejected, with a capital ‘R’.

I found it fitting to deal with this subject in my first blog because like death and taxes, rejection is one of those things that are inevitable in some facet of life. Through Singleinthecity, you’ll meet literally hundreds of potential suitors at any given mixer, and at least a couple dozen at each of the speed dates. Many will welcome your advances with open arms, but for at least a few… not so much. There’s no doubt about it, any way you slice it- rejection flat out sucks. When comparing notes from each and every one of the scores of dating gurus in print and on the net, one piece of advice is the foundation for all: HOW YOU COPE WITH REJECTION AND FAILURE IS THE MOST CRITICAL FACTOR TO YOUR SUCCESS IN DATING AND RELATIONSHIPS.  It is often said that fear of public speaking is a bigger fear than death. I call bullshit. By far the biggest fear for the vast majority, especially singles, is fear of failure. It has a cousin - fear of rejection. The inability to cope will cause approach anxiety and prevent you from taking the initiative to meet that special someone. This fear is more paralyzing to men because, even though things have changed somewhat, men are still expected to be the pursuer in relationships.

One important fact that has to be remembered is that regardless of how good looking, wealthy, or charismatic you are, there are some that just won’t be interested in you. Often times, it is a reflection of their own insecurities. If a man or woman is shy about their looks or personality, they may be intimidated by yours if you are above average in both categories. They may also be carrying negative baggage from bad experiences. Women are used to being constantly approached, flirted with, hit on. Even women you might consider ‘average’ are approached by men on a pretty regular basis. Despite what you have to offer, you may get lumped in with every other schmuck that has tried and failed to get into their pants. Of course it’s true that the one you’re pursuing may not be interested in your ‘type’. Some women prefer clean cut men that wear suits, others the bad boy rocker type. Some men may like curvier women, others the stick-thin supermodel type.

The worst case scenario is that you may need to acquire a new set of skills. Style and grooming is a skill, effective approaching is a skill, conversation is a skill, entertaining is a skill, and yes even getting physical is a skill. If you feel challenged with a certain skill get an objective member of the opposite sex or someone that is skilled with members of the opposite to sex to audit your set of skills and then be blunt with you. You’ll find that people who are truly successful in dating or any aspect of life will be generous with their time for somebody that is open to receiving help. No matter what happens, just enjoy the experience, learn from it and… MOVE ON.

As for QTP4U, she doesn’t know what she’s missing. Perhaps SUNSHINE79 will find I have exactly what she’s looking for. 

 

He's just not that into you....or maybe he is into you

"He's just not that into you".  After the book came out and then the movie, so many women have this perception that if a guy isn't knocking down your door, calling or texting you everyday, that he's not into you.  Women everywhere are reciting those words to their girlfriends and to themselves. in general, the girls aren't chasing the boys like they used to be. I see it with our speed dating events; most of the time the girls wait for the single guys to contact them.  

Not sure I believe in the "He's not that into you" theory exactly. Sometimes a guy needs a little persuasion girls...he doesn't always know what he wants. Every single guy is different and every situation is different.  Not every guy will be confident enough at the time or 100% ready to get into a serious relationship with someone. You don't know what they've been through in their past or are currently going through.  He could like you but not be ready for numerous reasons and not every guy falls in love with a girl right away.  Some need a little time and with a little perseverance, you may get your prince. By no means should you wait around for a guy that isn't treating you right though.  Only you know you someone makes you feel and if you're not on the same page and you can't handle it, then I would suggest getting out of dodge.  Don't waste time on someone that doesn't make you feel good.  It's more time wasted on the wrong person when you should be finding the right person. On the other hand, if you're dating other people in the meanwhile and don't mind playing it out to see where things lead then I say hang in there never know what can happen.  Girls grow on guys sometimes especially when the sex is good. 

I talked to many single guys about the "He's just not that into you" topic.  Some said they would chase the girl if they we were really interested in her and others were shy and said they would rather the girl they were interested in show interest in them.  Some that were serious about meeting someone said that if they were to show a girl too much interest she would get scared off; they feel the need to play it cool. My theory is "who cares", if you like a guy don't be afraid to show him that you're interested in him. If he reciprocates great, if he doesn't at all then move on.  Once he reciprocates though let him do a little chasing but do show an interest in him. Don't bombard him with texts and calls and act busy even if you're not.

So...if you like a guy show him your interested in him and then let him come to you...never be overly aggressive. If you see that he may be a little shy then make the first move and don't be scared some guys really like this.  Try different things, every single guy is not the same and one thing may work for you more than another.

Posted by Laura Bilotta of www.singleinthecity.ca and "Streeters" host of Dating 201 on Rogers. 

The Benefits of Speed dating for Men

Speed dating is one of the greatest ways to meet single women and for a lot of guys, speed dating is still a hidden gem.  There are so many benefits to speed dating especially if you’re a man and I’m going to tell you why.

Here are the reasons:

*At a speed dating event you have an advantage as you meet people face to face and we all know that physical appearance and chemistry play important roles in the initial stages of dating.  First impressions mean everything.

I interviewed guys about online dating and what they thought about it and they told me that they were disappointed as a lot of the women posted false pictures or said they were somebody that they weren’t.

*If you hang out in the bars hoping to meet someone it could be difficult.  Not all the women in the bar are single and a lot of them are young, not ready to settle down and just out for a good time.

*You get to meet up to 25 single women serious about meeting someone.  They are all there to meet you and your guaranteed at least 3-4 minutes of your time with them.

*There’s no embarrassment;  If you like them and they don’t like you, they’ll never know.

*It’s a great way to brush up on your interpersonal skills especially if you’re new to the dating scene

*There’s no pressure and speed dating is a lot of fun!

*Some men assume that the women who attend speed dating events are ugly, losers or have issues. But believe it or not,  most of the women who use these services are actually very confident and attractive. They're people like you and me who just can’t find the time or resources to go out and meet other people.  The women are hot and once guys start coming to events they’re hooked!

*If you're looking to meet and eventually settle down in a long-lasting relationship, speed dating will put you on the right track……

My advice to all the single men out there is to stop being frightened of the unknown and get out and try a speed dating event you’ll love it.

Posted by Laura Bilotta of Single in the City www.singleinthecity.ca 

Who goes speed dating? the most common question answered…

 

Guest Author - Melissa - Co-Owner & Event Planner for Single in the City

Who goes speed dating? the most common question answered…

After hosting speed dating events for over 7 years, there always seems to be one question we get asked when people are considering attending an event for the first time.  This question is not discriminatory, it is asked by both men and women of all ages.

What kind of people go speed dating?

This question is kind of like asking what kind of people go to the grocery store.   There isn’t one kind of person who speed dates, single people come in all shapes, sizes, backgrounds and occupations. As well, no two events are the same when it comes to who will be attending.  I guess you could look at it this way, if you are calling in because you are interested in speed dating, then you could assume that most people who come speed dating are just like you.   

Now we could get more specific such as…what do people wear who come speed dating or do you know the general occupations of those who comes speed dating?   
These are all valid questions we could potentially answer depending on what we ask people when they sign up, but do they determine what “kind” of person they are….probably not. 

It’s difficult for any speed dating host or organizer to know “what kind of person” someone is in the 5 minute time span of registering them either on the phone or at the door,  most events are so busy that the host is lucky to get in a 2 minute conversation with an individual before or after an event. If we were to judge someone’s personality  based on their appearance, then we could probably give you some sort of answer. However, judging someone based on their appearance is not really the best approach to take in any business especially when it comes to dating.

To sum it up, the kind of people who come speed dating are just like you.  They're single, prefer to meet people face to face, have some sort of baggage, are employed (because our tickets cost money), are nervous, optimistic and finally, just like you, they want to know “what kind of people go speed dating”. 

Online Dating Pictures Disaster

OK so if you're going to take the time to open a profile on a dating site, it's in your best interest to post a few good pictures of yourself. Here's a checklist for you to follow:

- Make sure pictures are recent (within the last 2 years)

- Make sure your online pictures are of you and not scenery of where you've been; people    don't care about scenery shots when they're looking for hot guys or hot girls ( which is left up to one's personal discretion of course).

- Make sure your online pics are close-ups so they can see what you really look like.

- Make sure your online pics are clear and don't wear glasses we can't see your eyes so what's the point?

- Don't be half naked in your online pics if your not ready to receive sexual comments or looking for just a sexual relationship.

- Don't post online pics of you and your ex or someone of the opposite sex (find someone that can edit your pics for you).

- Don't post a picture of a good looking celebrity because that's dumb and the people you want to contact you, WON'T.

Please take my advice if you want quality online dating leads.

Posted by Laura Bilotta of www.singleinthecity.ca and "Streeters" host of Dating 201 on Rogers. 

Post by Laura Bilotta of Single in the City  www.singleinthecity.ca

What if my date just wants to be friends?

There could be many reasons why someone is not interested in dating you further or continuing a relationship with you.  Whatever the reason, you have to be honest with yourself. Are you ok with just being friends with them or are you hoping that by being their friend they will change their mind about you?  Remember, there is someone out there for everybody. If you know you want more from him than just to be friends, don't set yourself up for disappointment; just move on, trust me. Don't waste time hanging around someone that in not into you, life is too short and there are many more fish in the sea.  The more time you waste hoping that someone falls in love with you, the further away you are from finding your true love.

Posted by Laura Bilotta of www.singleinthecity.ca and "Streeters" Host of Dating 201 on Rogers.

Is it ok to text, email or call a guy after a first date?

In my opinion, it's ok to text, email or call a guy after a first date to say thank you especially if he paid for the date.  keep it brief and let him know you had a good time.  Guys like to feel appreciated; just don't be pushy and wait for him to call you the next time.

Posted by Laura Bilotta of www.singleinthecity.ca and Streeters Host of Dating 201 on Rogers.