Guest Author - Patrick P - Single, 30-something, Marketing Rep and a long-time friend of Single in the City.
A Single Man's Guide to Dating and....Rejection?
QTP4U was her
handle. 5’7”, brown hair and eyes, a little thick in the thighs but by no means
overweight (judging by her photos at least). Her profession read “I have one”
and she claimed to have a bachelor’s degree in the Education category. She
appeared to be a decent girl by most guys’ standards and by no means out of my
league. In fact, my ego whispered in my ear that I was probably out of hers. I
wrote something quick and witty, playfully teasing her about her wasted support
for the Leafs, showing that: 1) I paid attention to what she wrote in her
profile and 2) I was secure enough to have fun with the process without having
to confess my undying love, talking about how many babies we could have, blah
blah. Click ‘send message’. This particular lonely hearts website allows users
to see the recipients’ response to the message, so I checked in every so often
to do that. After forty-five minutes: Unread. Hour and a half: Unread. After
leaving the house to go watch the dreadful Leaf game I returned to check again to
be greeted with the message status: Read DELETED. What!? Am I reading that
right? She read my message, looked over my profile and didn’t like what she
saw- or at least, that’s how I interpreted it. That uppity bitch! J The insecure wussbag in me immediately
kicked into high gear. “Do you look too bloated in that photo?” wussbag asked.
“Maybe your cheeseball attempt at humour fell flat”, he continued. Either way I
sliced it, one thing was certain- I got rejected, with a capital ‘R’.
I found it fitting to deal with this subject in my first blog because like death and taxes, rejection is one of those things that are inevitable in some facet of life. Through Singleinthecity, you’ll meet literally hundreds of potential suitors at any given mixer, and at least a couple dozen at each of the speed dates. Many will welcome your advances with open arms, but for at least a few… not so much. There’s no doubt about it, any way you slice it- rejection flat out sucks. When comparing notes from each and every one of the scores of dating gurus in print and on the net, one piece of advice is the foundation for all: HOW YOU COPE WITH REJECTION AND FAILURE IS THE MOST CRITICAL FACTOR TO YOUR SUCCESS IN DATING AND RELATIONSHIPS. It is often said that fear of public speaking is a bigger fear than death. I call bullshit. By far the biggest fear for the vast majority, especially singles, is fear of failure. It has a cousin - fear of rejection. The inability to cope will cause approach anxiety and prevent you from taking the initiative to meet that special someone. This fear is more paralyzing to men because, even though things have changed somewhat, men are still expected to be the pursuer in relationships.
One important fact that has to be remembered is that regardless of how good looking, wealthy, or charismatic you are, there are some that just won’t be interested in you. Often times, it is a reflection of their own insecurities. If a man or woman is shy about their looks or personality, they may be intimidated by yours if you are above average in both categories. They may also be carrying negative baggage from bad experiences. Women are used to being constantly approached, flirted with, hit on. Even women you might consider ‘average’ are approached by men on a pretty regular basis. Despite what you have to offer, you may get lumped in with every other schmuck that has tried and failed to get into their pants. Of course it’s true that the one you’re pursuing may not be interested in your ‘type’. Some women prefer clean cut men that wear suits, others the bad boy rocker type. Some men may like curvier women, others the stick-thin supermodel type.
The worst case scenario is that you may need to acquire a new set of skills. Style and grooming is a skill, effective approaching is a skill, conversation is a skill, entertaining is a skill, and yes even getting physical is a skill. If you feel challenged with a certain skill get an objective member of the opposite sex or someone that is skilled with members of the opposite to sex to audit your set of skills and then be blunt with you. You’ll find that people who are truly successful in dating or any aspect of life will be generous with their time for somebody that is open to receiving help. No matter what happens, just enjoy the experience, learn from it and… MOVE ON.
As for QTP4U,
she doesn’t know what she’s missing. Perhaps SUNSHINE79 will find I have
exactly what she’s looking for.
Patrick, you sound like you have been rejected ALOT!!
Way to keep searching, glad Single in the City, and other dating companies are working for you.
Keep up the awesome posts!
Dr. Peter Venkmen.
Posted by: Peter V | Dec 07, 2009 at 02:52 PM
Dr. Peter,
How could you leave out Adultfriendfinder, and Match.com? Im flattered by your fanfare. :)
Patrick
Posted by: Patrick Power | Dec 07, 2009 at 02:58 PM
It sounds like you are a very sincere and upfront person I would definitely be interested in hooking up with you on a friendly basis to discuss the whole dating scene and maybe a little spooning afterwards
Posted by: rlklrk | Dec 07, 2009 at 03:02 PM
We've all been there. It sucks but I always try to look at it as a possitive. 'That's one less man I can cross off my list.' or, 'What a muppet, won't be giving him a second chance!'
Posted by: City Girl | Jul 06, 2010 at 09:13 AM